It's the best thing I've ever done... being a "daddy"..

The weekend was spent with my wife and daughters.  Doesn't matter what we did or where we went.  It's just that I got to spend time with them.  i watched them closely and took conscious pictures of them in my mind.  i paid close attention to their words and expressions.  I know how precious these days, hours and minutes are.  None of these moments can ever be recreated or relived as we all well know. 

Fathers day is especially hard for me as many of them were spent with our Hannah.  She always loved to be with me as I with her.  Didn't matter what we did or where we went.  I just got to spend time with her.  Today, I looked closely at the mental pictures I took of her back then.  I MISS YOU BABY GIRL..  I am the luckiest man in the world.

Enjoy your fatherhood everyone.  It's the best thing you've ever done.

Time moves along doesn't it?..  We're two years removed from the date Hannah fell ill..  It seems like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time.. 

Another Mother's day came and went as well...  tough weekend for Heidi and all of us..  Still very raw, but we did celebrate, or do our best imitation...  that seems to be the game now..  put on our best "I'm ok" act and try and look at the bright side of things..  we did it for a while on Sunday, but the day caught up to all of us as we knew it would...

We've come to the conclusion that time doesn't dull the pain of her death, it just makes it easier to avoid or control the difficult thoughts of her illness and watching her take her last breath..  not a sight any parent should ever have to see..

Not a day goes by that we don't lament and grieve..  I miss her more intensely each day and minute..  Still in disbelief and somehow trying to "resolve" what happened..  It's a helpless feeling and one that we know we'll be facing the rest of our lives..

Yeh, time keeps churning doesn't it?  Tic, Tic, Tic...  I wonder what it all means..

________________

We were in the Texas Roadhouse in Peoria recently and ran into a few of the very special people who work there again.  I provided several pictures of Hannah that are now on display as you walk in.  They are pics or her before she got sick and capture her bright, bubbly personality.  They are certainly a few of our favorites.

As you may know, this restaurant participants in raising money for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society and Hannah was chosen in 2007 to lead the cause.  The hope was she would be here today to lead an inspirational fight on battling this disease.  Instead, we fight in her memory and honor.. The Roadhouse was a favorite of Hannah's...  She loved the bread and I can see her dancing with Emma and the staff in one of their line dance routines...  I wish I could have that day back again..

I will be reaching out to everyone to participate in these drives when the "percentage nights" are announced.  Heidi and I will be in attendance for both evening dinners.

I will update you all when I know more.  Stay Tuned.

______________________


Lastly and most importantly to me, I would like you guys to write in.  I would like you to write your memories of Hannah or our family.  The times you spent with her, or heard of her or were touched by her.  Whether you knew her or not, how has her story touched you and do you think you've been affected in a positive way? 

Write one or many comments.  I would enjoy reading your thoughts.  No rush..

Thx everyone.

We still love you all.
The Turowski's

We press on...  we're doing more and suffering less.. I see noticeable progress, but far from ever being who we were... it's certainly a tale of two lives for our family.  Still "incomprehensible".

On Saturday, Heidi and I went to a 40th birthday party for a good friend of ours.  He and his wife have a little girl who Hannah played with for several years.  They were practically inseparable until Hannah got sick. 

We were looking forward to see them all, but were apprehensive to walk into their house.  We hadn't been there since before Hannah was diagnosed. 

We felt Hannah's presence throughout the house.  We could picture her running up and down the stairs with Alyssa, full of life, oozing with happiness and optimism.  It was hard for us, but also good for us.  We talked to Alyssa's mom and dad and talked about Hannah.  Alyssa showed Heidi her room which had a lot of special things connected to Hannah.  Alyssa still wears her little light blue rubber bracelet.... as do I.  I don't think there will ever be a day when I take it off.  As they wear out, I'll replace it with an identical one.  I suppose it'll just always be a part of me..

Anyway, it was a good visit... tough, but good.  Thank you Tom, Christina and Alyssa for always being so kind to our Hannah and more importantly, loving her.  I know you do..

___________________________________


I got an email from a friend of mine that I've known since I was very young....not exactly sure, but it must have been second or third grade. 

Scott and I played hoops and baseball together throughout our grammar and high school years.  Scott was an exceptional athlete, but it was his thinking ability and intelligence that always stood out to me.  By that, I mean Scott was a "thinker".  Very philosophical and was great at understanding other people's perspective.  I was always impressed with that.  I felt as though, my sarcasm or comments were not understood by most, but Scott always knew what I was saying and meant.  Almost a conversation between us, and "around" everyone else.. 

Well, I'm telling you this because it was a big surprise to see an email come across from him.  I hadn't talked to Scott since High School (1981).  Outside of sports, we had a couple classes together, but ran in separate crowds.   

The email was very much as I would expect from Scott.  He was writing to address the loss of Hannah.  The note was sorrowful, heartfelt and philosophical...  It gave no answers... and didn't attempt to..  but more than anything... it was comforting.  Scott knows that trying to provide answers when

Thank you for reaching out Mr Dietrich...




Emma is VERY happy right now and there is no better "elixir" for me than that.  She has braces since the beginning of March and somehow looks much older because of it.  She is simply gorgeous. 

Ash made an offer on a house yesterday in Paradise Valley!!  It's bank owned, in a great neighborhood and very affordable.  We hope it pans out for her.  She's excited and so are we..

Heidi is getting very close to finishing her aesthetics classes.  She tested out already and is moving closer to fulfilling her 600 "practical" hours necessary to take the state exam.  She's getting antsy to begin her new career.

All good stuff... I love my girls..

_______________________________________

Lastly, Heidi's Aunt Sue is participating in what's called "Relay for Life".  It's to raise money for the American Cancer Society.  I am including the URL's with all the necessary information for your reference.  Please consider making a donation.


This year, hundreds of thousands of people will hear the words "You have cancer", and there's a good chance that some of them will be people we know and love. We have all been touched by cancer in some way ... and we all have the power to make a difference. That's why I have chosen to fight back right here in my own community by participating in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life®.

I want to invite you to join me in the fight against cancer by making a donation in support of my efforts. Further down in this message is a link to my personal Relay For Life® web page where you can make an online contribution. Every amount, no matter how small, makes a difference and provides hope. You can also sign up to join my team and learn more about Relay and how it's changing lives.

Relay For Life® brings more than 3.5 million people from across the country together each year to celebrate the lives of those who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against a disease that takes too much. This fun-filled, overnight event empowers everyone to help fight cancer by raising money and awareness to support the American Cancer Society's lifesaving mission.

Thank you in advance for your support. Together, we will celebrate, remember, and fight back.

For state fund raising notices and the American Cancer Society's Privacy Policy, please paste the following link into your browser: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/SU/su_0.asp.

Sincerely,

Susie Brown

Click here to visit my personal page.
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09GW?px=9694625&pg=personal&fr_id=14856&fl=en_US&et=7CPmXy00WsiQdHc6xBu9Ig..&s_tafId=263841

Click here to view the team page for Savin' Second Base
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09GW?team_id=411150&pg=team&fr_id=14856&fl=en_US&et=8-C5p5tgKIMs7iIkuVnlbw..&s_tafId=263841

 

 

As she always does on Valentines Day, Heidi was bearing gifts this morning for our girls before she left for School.  After she left, I went for my morning run and noticed that Hannah Marie was very included as well. 



This is the plaque that our neighbors created for her.  It says "Heaven has in store what thou has lost",  "In loving memory of Hannah Marie Turowski"...  The Puppy says, "Miss U".    The plaque sits right next to her bench around the corner from our house.  I visit it very often.

Happy Valentines day Hannah.  Daddy loves you.

Love your babies today... and every day... 

Love,
The Turowski's

Emma Jeane is officially a teenager today.  She turned 13 at 7:02 AM (NJ Time)!  Happy Birthday sweetie!! 

She'll have a family party tonight, a girlfriend party this weekend and will be attending the Britney Spears concert in April with her friend Jessie. 

For her party this weekend, she's organizing a scavenger hunt where all the girls use their resources to find the items throughout our neighborhood.  One of the things on her list is "something light blue" in honor of Hannah.  I thought that was nice.

I'm proud of you Emster..  We all are..  including Hannah..  She's watching you and celebrating too.

Specifically for the audience that reads Hannah's website, I have felt it impossible to continue to use it as a forum to be honest about my feelings and my progress.  Since I feel it necessary to only give very high level updates on our positions in life, I haven't been able to write with the same urgency as my content needs to be considerabbly tempered.  It's difficult not to write as there are many things Heidi and I feel and are going through that I believe are somehow important to communicate.   In particular, the last few weeks have been "off the chart" difficult for me and I can't explain the timing.  Why I have this compulsion to try and get these thoughts and feelings out in writing, I don't know.  I do know that the only audience that should read it are adults....parents most specifically.

So in plain vanilla, here's what's up right now.  Emma is doing very well.  She continues to get all "A's" in her very high level classes, has a bunch of super kids as friends and is very happy over all.  I am so very proud of her.  She's had a tough go of it for sure and has her difficult days, but the good, far out pace the bad now and that is very important to all of us.

Ashley has been away from Phoenix Childrens Hospital for 4/5 months now.  It became too emotional for her and she's interviewing at several facilities while working in a home healthcare environment.  She has a solid relationship with her boyfriend Ryan and is looking to move out on her own very soon.  I don't see her very much as her relationship gets more serious, but I believe she's handling things very well from where she's had to come from.  The stresses of life as an "adult" and no longer a student have been a challenge for her as one would expect.  Hannah dying had certainly escalated the very difficult transition from school to "real life", but as we expected, she's progressed significantly.  She is quite a "girl"... strike that... a woman..

Heidi is entering her 4th month of esthetics school and will graduate at the end of April.  As Heidi typically does, she finished all of her course curriculum weeks early, earned a 99% on her final exam and has only the practical piece of her shcooling to complete.  She loves what she's doing, is really good at it and is on track to finish with honors (difficult to do and is the highest you can get). 

Heidi is passionate about her new, upcoming profession and is passionate about running (she kicks my butt), but has her very expected, consistent bouts of feeling the devastation of living without Hannah.  

Me?...  I'm almost on a different planet than my three girls.  I'm so very analyitical and that's not good in my situation.  Grinding about what happened and what went wrong and how did this happen only leads to no answers, heightened anxiety and depression.  I know that... I do... but shutting her off or believing this was "god's plan" and "she's in a better place" is all nonsense (G rated) to me.  

The bottom line is that she was my baby.... part of me...  my best little friend...  and she's gone.  not because she wanted to.. not because she didn't fight to stay here... not because there was any plan for her...  She's gone because she's gone...  that's it...  and
I don't want anyone to explain why she's gone...  I'll find out when I get there.. that's it..  nothing more, nothing less..  

I'm touching the tip of the iceberg here, but can go no further.  My writings on my deepest thoughts cannot be published here as I am in an extended "low" to life's ups and downs.

__________________________________________________  

Thanks for stoping in today.  I miss you all.  You've been a great support to me and our family.  Please drop a comment to touch base so I know you're still there.

Stay Tuned for a Charity Golf Tournament in Hannah's memory that we're putting together.  I will publish something shortly when we know more details.

___________________________________________________

If you have any questions or comments for me or Heidi that you think are not appropriate for this site, please drop me an email at bobbytee6302@yahoo.com

Lastly, I wanted to leave you with this little story about Hannah Marie.

As I stated in Hannah's eulogy, she was always the little jokester.  Heidi and I were remembering this little capsule in time just the other day..  

Hannah was about 5 or 6 and she loved telling jokes when she heard a good one.  She had just heard a "Blonde" joke about a Blonde, a Red Head and a Brunette and was busting at the seems to tell us.  She came flying down the stairs and said to me and Heidi, "Mom, Dad, listen to this joke...."  pauses for a moment to try and collect her thoughts and delivery, then begins, " There was this Blonde.... a Red Head ........(pause)...and a Black Head"..  That was it..  Brunette wasn't quite in her vocabulary yet...  Heidi and I could not contain ourselves.   Still the funniest "Blonde" joke I ever heard.

Love,
The Turowski's




 

The outpouring of gifts for the children with cancer at PCH is so very appreciated.  We've gotten a lot of presents through the mail (Jeanne O, you're the best!!), we've had a ton dropped off at the house (such a great community) and the great people here at Atlas have made significant donations as well.

We originally planned on delivering the presents on Monday, December 22, but we've decided to do it on Tuesday, December 23.  It gives anyone interested in donating a present to these children another day to get them to us.  For more information on donations, scroll down to the entry titled "In Hannah's Memory".

Please know first hand that you will have made a difference in a child battling cancer as well as their family and friends. 

Lastly, thanks to everyone for their support for us as we went through the first Anniversary of Hannah's passing (December 10th).  We received some beautiful ornaments in her honor, gorgeous plants and flowers, touching cards and certification that there is officially a star named after her (Thank you so much Hope family).  The star was officially named "Hannah Bear" December 10, 2008.  I'll list the exact coordinates in my next entry.

All of the above give us good feelings at a time when "good feelings" are hard to come upon.  Words cannot express my deep appreciation for all of you.

From the bottom of our "HHEART's", THANK YOU!

Love,
The Turowski's

Tomorrow is the 10th.  One year since our Hannah moved into God's arms. 

Our family will spend the entire day together.  We had decided weeks past that the 10th would be the day we put up our Christmas tree and decorations every year going forward.  This year, we are decorating the tree in Hannah's favorite color.... all blue..  our meals will be comprised of Hannah's favorites.  We will also decorate the bench area (which has become very special to me) dedicated recently by our neighborhood (who are very special people).. 

Sitting here today, writing on her blog, I really have no idea how we got here..  we continue to hold on tight, but more so right now..  it's all so difficult..  The "one year ago today" thoughts bring back tidal waves of overwhelming feelings.

We are left with difficult memories of the past, thoughts of what the future holds for us and the painful, continued endurance of the present... 

We find comfort in your continued support and well wishes.  We know we are not alone in our sorrow.

Love you all,
The Turowski's


________________

If you haven't been on the blog for a while, please make sure you read the previous entry "In Hannah's Memory".

Needless to say, It's extremely difficult going through the extreme riggers of cancer treatment.  One of the many things that complicates it even more is having to stay in the hospital for such a long time.

So in honor of the children battling cancer at Phx Children's Hospital, our family would like to ask everyone out there to help us help them.  On December 19th, we will visit the hospital with as many presents as we can get and give them out in Hannah's memory.

We are asking all that are interested, to buy a present for a boy or girl, ages 3 to 14 and send them to our home address or drop them off in the cardboard box that we'll have at our front door.  Please wrap the present with paper that has a blue color scheme (Hannah's favorite) with a note that states if the present is for a girl, boy or either and the age range that is appropriate.  I also ask that you include a note with your name so i can put together a thank you to everyone who has contributed to our cause.

For my out of town friends, please send them to:
The Turowski Family
6216 W Monona Dr
Glendale, AZ 85308

We so appreciate the love and caring you have all shown to Hannah and our family.  Thank you so very much. 

Sincerely,
The Turowski's

 

I have found it increasingly difficult to write or even log onto the website at this time of year.  With Thanksgiving coming up this week, I did want to put some thoughts on "paper" here.

First of all, I want to thank our HOA and neighborhood for organizing and implementing the construction of the new bench dedicated to Hannah on our block.  Although, I was unable to attend the dedication, I did visit the site the afternoon of the event and felt very touched by you and saddened to see Hannah's name and life span on a plaque.  For those of you who don't live near us, the plaque says the following:

"Heaven has in store, what thou has lost"  "In loving memory of Hannah Marie Turowski" " 09/28/97 to 12/10/07"  
 I plan on taking some picture over there that I will be able to post next time.

We hold Hannah's ashes in our home, next to my father's.  My brother's ashes are at my mom's house.  I have always felt a compulsion to keep them as close to us as possible. 

Since there is no grave site to visit, this bench will serve as a memorial for her.  Since it went in on Thursday, I've used the bench to rest and visit when I complete my runs around our community.  I'm pretty sure that will be a ritual for me going forward.

Thank you to all that contributed to it's creation.  A very special thank you goes our from us to Vicki Ramsay who was so very instrumental in the project. 
_________________________________

One of our latest comments that hit our site is from Toni Wielgus.  Toni lost a forth grade daughter too.  Britney was actually in Hannah's class to begin the school year in August of 2007.  Hannah was winding down what we thought was her last treatment at that time and never actually attended Mrs Peterson's class.   

It's really unbelievable to me that two healthy little girls and their families begin 2007 with nothing but happiness and optimism for the future both end up in heaven too soon.  As parents, we do and always will agonize over our loss.  We are left with the fact that this life will forever be sadder than what we had before

Our heart goes out to the Wielgus family at this time of year.  We have a commonality that no one should have to share.

________________________________


I was driving through the neighborhood yesterday and was so envious of the parents putting up Christmas lights.  For many years and as little as two years ago, I was always excited to see the kids get excited about pulling out all the decorations.  I envy these parents now and feel like I'm looking through a pane of glass as if in a different world.

We will be home through Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  Emma wants to be home.   So we'll put up the tree and decorate, but we're not yet at the point where we can dig into the tree ornaments or decorations.  We have started collecting blue ornaments in Hannah's memory and use that color exclusively this year.  It will be a "blue" Christmas in our house for sure. 

_________________________________


Although Thanksgiving was bad last year, we still had hope and she was alive.  This will be our first without her.  We know it'll be tough and we fully expect the tears.  Our plan is to cry when needed, laugh when possible and love at all times... 

__________________________________


I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  Give thanks for the people you love in life.  Hold your children close and appreciate every minute with them.  We will do the same. 

Love,
The Turowski's

Once Heidi and I got married, all the "Holidays" that I loved as a kid then became less passionate about the older I got, became very prominent again.  As a matter of fact, I loved all the holidays more as a dad than i ever did as a kid.  Although Halloween is not technically a holiday, it certainly is a fun day for kids and was a special day in particular for Hannah Marie.

Ya see, she was like her dad in her love for chocolate.  Yep, Heidi, Ash and Em were more of "fruity" candy lovers.  and although Hannah wouldn't shy away from Skittles when she could get them, she loved her chocolate most of all.

Hannah and Em planned what they were going to be weeks ahead of time.  We would buy thier outfits well ahead of Halloween and they would wear them around the house as soon as possible.  We had to try and put the brakes on as they would have probably worn them out by the time trick or treat came along.

Halloween of 2006 had Em and Hannah dressed up as a witch and devil respectively.  They trick or treated around our half mile block of homes as we did every year.  Our friends and family would congregate in our driveway for pizza and beverages as the block was overtaken by ghosts and gobblins.  I always had several masks and boxes of collected decorations from Halloweens past. 

Last year, Hannah spent her Halloween in the hospital.  She fought to get her pussy cat outfit on as she struggled from severe fatigue due to the rediculously intense chemo shot into her spine and daily radiation to her soft little bald head.  Her sweet friend Alyssa visited her at the hospital and spent quite a while with Hannah that day, despite forfeiting the chance to be collecting candy outside (thank you Alyssa and Chritina).

It was my night to spend with Hannah and she so wanted to be part of Halloween.  Some of the nurses and child life speicalists dressed up and visited, but Hannah was clearly dissapointed as being anywhere but home was not going to be good enough.  My heart broke for her that night.  Although she awoke several times, Hannah fell asleep early.  I lied next to her and rubbed her head with lotion for hours as it was completely burned from the intense radiation that she had endured.  Her body was swollen from all the shit that was coursing through her 10 year old little veins.  I knew the inevitable, but prayed for her treatment to get her back into remission...  I had to be upbeat to her, but was dying inside right along with her..  I could never have imagined ever having to go through that with her, but there I was..  dying too...

Friday is Halloween.  We will not be in the driveway with our friends and family.  There will be no pizza and no Hannah.  We hope to take Emma off this block and trick or treat with our friends elsewhere.  We'll come home when the ghosts and goblins are all home.... counting their candy..  just like Hannah used to do..

_______________________________


Saturday is "Light the Night".  It's a three mile walk to raise money for the "Leukemia / Lymphoma Society".  Last year, Hannah was the honored patient. ... This year, we walk in her memory.   

Hannah looked forward to being the honored patient last year.  For months she ltalked about it and fully expected to lead the parade of people and celebrate the completion of her treatment.....  Due to her relapse, "momma" pushed her in her wheel chair... Exhausted by all the pictures, attention and being pushed 3 miles, she said she "never wants to be famous"....  Daddy carried her weakened body up the stairs and into bed.. Hannah slept with Momma that night.. one of the last nights she would realize she was here...

We will attend this walk again.  Not with hope for our baby, but because it's the right thing to do. 

My anger grows and guilt increases somehow.  I don't know why, but the further away I get from her dying, the more guilty I feel that I am "moving forward"... That there is a life after Hannah...  I don't want there to be... 

I miss her greatly..  more than silly words can describe..  the disbelief that she's not here anymore consinues.

________________________________

Happy Halloween my sweet Hannah.  I know what you are this year..  You're the prettiest Angel!!.. Now and forever..  I LOVE YOU.

Your Daddy..

Last year on October 12, the "Light the Night" fundraiser for "The Leukemia/Lymphoma Society" was held here in Phx.  Hannah was selected months earlier to be the "honored" patient for the walk.  She looked so forward to it and we were hopeful that her treatment would be complete by then so she could attend. 

Tragically, Hannah relapsed on the 7th of October.  She was granted permission by her Dr's to come home for that weekend before going back into the hospital to fight her new affliction. 

Hannah attended the walk in her wheelchair.  It was a very difficult night for her and our family.  She was simply exhausted by all the attention that night would bring and the disease in her body.  I spoke to the crowd about Hannah's plight and how important giving to this society is.  It was tough on us, but important enough to do it anyway.

Well this year's walk is scheduled for Saturday, November 1 at Saguaro Park at 7PM.  Our family will attend the event and participate.  What we'd like, is for you to participate too.  If we could do it last year, you can make it this year. 

Heidi is helping with organizing and fund raising.  Her email address is hturowski@cox.net

The following links direct you to information on the walk,  registration and ordering Tee Shirts.

Light_the_Night_flyer.pdf
08_registration_instruct1_(2).doc
Tee Shirt Order Form

Please contact Heidi with any questions and we hope to see you at the walk.

Thx,
The Turowski's

She would have been 11 this coming Sunday...  Isn't that unbelievable that I am saying that?  I am so saddened and stunned that she's gone from our lives...  I have no words to describe the depth of my nightmare..  she's just not here...

___________________________

One year ago, her hospital room was filled with her girlfriends, parents, teachers, nurses, and family.  She had no roommate at that time, so we were able to decorate fully... her cake had a picture of her imposed in the middle..  A cute one of course..  her last round of chemo was complete.....she opened each present and was only a few days from coming home...

As the night progressed, Hannah quietly asked mom if everyone could leave as she was "tired"..  Heidi and I knew that was not like her..  we knew that if she was well, she'd have been begging them to stay.. This was not the case... 

Although our excitement was tempered, Hannah going thru 5 rounds of intense chemo, an appendectomy and being away from home for the better part on 6 months was coming to an end..  Our baby was coming home..

Being tired that night, her forced smile and her being down the whole last round were all attributable to the cancer being back...  and no one knew..

There were signs for the weeks leading up to that day.....  her mood was solemn, her thumb twitched, her appetite was not quite as good as usual..  Mom and dad had seen those symptoms before..  6 months earlier before she was diagnosed..  At this point, we were told that these symptoms could be explained simply because she had endured 6 months of hell... after all, no one ever relapsed DURING treatment.. no way it could be cancer... Mom and Dad were still scared... 

Hannah's cancer was different..  By the time we all realized she relapsed, there was nothing anyone could really do..except love her..  and that's what we did.. 

____________________________

The weekend after next, our community is having it's neighborhood garage sale...  During the garage sale last year, I went for a long run and hike..  I was gone for more than an hour.. no phone with me of course.... 

As I came around the corner to my house, Ashley pulled up in her car......she was going out looking for me...  "call mom right away" she said...  My heart dropped...  I sprinted home, called Heidi and was on my way to the hospital cursing all the yard sale traffic in my wake..

Her ANC was starting to climb and we were only 2 days or so from having her home..  she woke up that morning with an eye problem ... her right eye was not following the left and her eyelid was droopy..  Heidi was hysterical.. I tried to stay calm and felt somewhat reassured that it "couldn't be cancer"..

As I entered the hospital room, I found a neurologist telling us that she may have some bleeding behind her eye....  If that was the case, it's not a huge deal..  still "couldn't be cancer"...

An MRI on her brain was then performed...  we waited in her room for what seemed like days...  I poked my head out the door and saw all of our Dr's huddled down the opposite end of the floor..  They were down there to hide from us while they reviewed the MRI...  I knew they were huddling because of Hannah and I knew it wasn't good...  Our nurse practitioner, Genny, who we love to death, approached me to head me off..  I damn near collapsed...  The MRI showed many legions throughout poor Hannah's brain...  

Our world was cruelly taken from us that day..  We grind to get through every day... no one knows the hell we're in..  most people expect much more from me that I think I really have.... Emma is going through extremely difficult times right now... Ash is too and there's NOTHING mom and dad can do..  helpless to help who we love the most..  I feel like I'm bleeding from the inside with no help in sight..

______________________


I know that we have horrible anniversaries coming up..  I'm intimidated and afraid of them..  I thank god that we have such good people caring for us..  Thank you everyone.  We love you.

_____________________


Hannah turns 11 this Sunday...  I don't know what I'll do..  I don't know how to handle it..  I am the saddest man on earth right now..  I know that..

I love you Hannah..  I love you "infinity more than whatever you say"... I know you'll understand that...  I miss you baby..  Your Daddy..

I dreamt that I came into a house (a shore house overlooking a very sunny ocean) and told Heidi how I was hurting bad from missing Hannah.  As Heidi tried to comfort me, we embraced and she began to cry as well.  As I noticed Emma to my right, I switched my attention to her.  I put my arms around her and kissed the top of her head.  As I looked down at her, it was Hannah who looked up at me.  Her little head was bald, smooth, and soft.  As I was kissing her, I pressed my lips against her skin and just held it there.  It felt so nice....  I told her that I loved her and she said "I love you too Daddy".  It was the exact voice she used when she said that to me before bed...  As the dream progressed, we all knew that Hannah was only there temporarily.  We all knew that she had already passed away.  It was like she just visited........and it was so wonderful...........  Then I awoke.  You can imagine my feelings.

______________________________

Heidi and I are entering some tough anniversaries.  As the summer starts to wind down, the same feelings begin to set in from one year ago.  It's impossible not to think of "this date last year, we were...."

The nice one is the 18th of September.  Heidi and I will be married 15 years.  I'm just so sorry that our lives together have had to endure the worst of the worst.  But I am so thankful that I'm with her.  I don't want to think of where I'd be without her..  I'm glad I don't have to wonder..

-  September 28th is Hannah Maries' birthday.  She would have been 11.
-  October 6 - Hannah relapsed three days short of finishing her final round of chemo and being home for good.
-  October 31 - A favorite holiday for our family...  Hannah starting to get very sick... Fighting to have fun, she dresses up in her costume, is visited by her friend Alyssa and is very disappointed as the day is no fun being in the hospital with Dad.  She is starting to sleep a lot.
-   Thanksgiving - about 4 or 5 days after an extremely painful operation to remove fungus from her lung, we fully expected her to be awake and trying to enjoy Thanksgiving in the hospital room.  The family was all there, but she never woke up.  She just slept right through it...
-  December 10 - the day she went to heaven..
-  Christmas - her favorite day..  and formally ours..

We are struggling to muster up the energy to go through these days and times.  It's physically and emotionally taxing....  It's not a one time thing..  the totality of the heaviness drains our energy....I'm very tired...  I'm afraid of these days ahead..
_______________________________


After we get through these dates, I'm pretty sure I'll be closing down the blog.  Thanks to Steve and Ronnie Kalomas, it has served as a key communication piece, an outlet for me, and since Hannah died, a therapeutic tool for the writer and maybe the readers...  

By the end of the year, it'll be almost 20 months that I've written here.  The blog contains the deepest, most emotional periods of our families' lives.  I will some day go through each day of it, but am in no condition to do so now.  A huge part of me is in this blog.  It almost is me..

________________________________

As if we haven't already been through hell, we have these very tough days ahead of us.  We'll hold tight and lean on each other.  I know we can count on you as well.  Thank you for being such great friends and family.

We love you,

The Turowski's

8:30 PM..  Heidi and I are watching TV in the family room.  Lights are out except for the glow of the screen... down the stairs comes this little silhouette of a 12 year old angel.  She is dressed in fresh PJ's... hair still wet from her shower... smells so very clean and beautiful... We pause the movie as she squeezes between us on the couch..  our full attention turns to her as tears start to run down her cheeks....  the horror of our reality overwhelms her and we huddle together to take on another chapter of our despair...  so what's a dad to say?  what do I say as I feel the very torture in the pit of my stomach that she's feeling this very minute..  I have nothing..  no words to lessen the pain..  unable to protect her from this mess..  "how did we get here", "how did this happen", "who's responsible" all runs thru my mind..  severe sadness overwhelms all of us as we cry in front of a paused movie..

____________


Ashley came home from work early last night.  About 2:30AM she climbed into bed with Heidi.. First time she's had to do that..  Her encounter with overwhelming  grief came on as one of her little patients successfully completed her chemotherapy treatments and was going home and back to school..  night in and night out, she cares for the sickest of sick and can probably never put little Hannah out of her mind completely.. maybe she can't..  it's ok not to..  you're human sweetie..

What was Ash thinking?  I can only imagine..  Why didn't Hannah get to go home??  She never made it..  She relapsed during treatment... that apparently has never happened to any other child.. ever..  but it did to our baby...  the Dr's were so sure that she was still in remission despite several symptoms that now point to cancer being in her central nervous system.. she wasn't supposed to have relapsed at that point.. no one ever had..

Ash has resently been questioning her ability to actually perform as a nurse in this capacity..  she feels pressure to continue...  I hope it's not from us..  we're so proud of her no matter what she does..  and we've told that many times..  the story of her taking a job in oncology was so heroic, but perhaps impossible...  She's hurting bad right now... as bad as she's been through the entire ordeal.  She needs our help...  as I mentioned above, I don't know how..  except to love and support her..  that's what I'll do..  



   

Emma started a new school last Monday.  She is now officially a 7th grader at Hillcrest.  So far so good.  It's not around the corner anymore and she has to ride the bus when mom decides she has to, but she's doing ok. 

Tough time for her though, as adjusting to a new school and being 12 and half is difficult enough, but when you go from a school and community that knows her history to one that doesn't, it certainly complicates things. 

Heidi and I are going to meet with all of her teachers tomorrow to clue them in on how 2007 was on Emma.  We're not asking for any preferential treatment, but we do think it's important for them to know our history.

____________________


I've noticed we are able to laugh more now.  I consciously take notice, but won't point it out as that often leads to tears.  Everything now is measured "before and after" Hannah for me.  I went into a Target that I hadn't been in since Hannah was well.  Right away I thought of it in those terms..  "The last time I was here, Hannah was fine"..

I also look at life much differently.  Again, I don't stress nearly as much about day to day stuff and feel like I've been through the toughest thing imaginable.  There's nothing ahead of me that I fear. 

I also keep in mind that each day that goes by does not push me further from Hannah, but makes me one day closer to her.  I have to believe that..  no other option..

I want to make the most of my future.  Charity work is something Heidi and I feel very passionate about, but we haven't decided how to do it yet.  Simply signing up for a related cause is not enough.  We want to go about it in a more unconventional way.  We have a story to tell about Hannah, our family and how to live beyond this tragedy.  We realize to do that, we'll have to get creative financially as charity doesn't pay the bills.  But we are creative and have some good ideas.

We will be updating you all on our ideas and endeavors and ask for your thoughts as well.  We are simply looking to make an impact on the disease itself as well as the support for the poor families whose children are first diagnosed or have lost their child....we've been to both..

We remember every minute, hour and day of Hannah's first couple days at PCH up until we were told of her diagnosis.  Needless to say, there is no blue print on how to handle it...  You just do..  But we've been there and want to support those who could use our help.

Anywho..  more about that later..

__________


Lastly, I want to re-emphasize the importance of nurturing and loving your children.  I wish I had one more minute or hug or touch with Hannah.  I don't have that...  you truly don't know how lucky you are... 

I was in a supermarket with Heidi and Emma yesterday evening.  I had my arm around Emma's shoulder as we walked by the small dining room that's near the deli counter.  I remember sitting there with all four of us eating breakfast..  we all laughed at each other and simply enjoyed each other's company.. I long for those days.. 

That's what you need to do...  realize that being a great mom and dad is already my absolute definition of success.  Everything else is secondary.

 

Write when you can.

 

Love,

The Turowski's

As they used to do every year until Hannah got sick, Heidi took my mom and Emma (and her friend Jessie) on a road trip.  Except for the first time, Hannah didn't get to go.

They traveled up to Ventura Beach CA and stayed for about four days.  Experience with a homeless lady who wandered in the Hotel's game room, getting stuck on the roller coaster for 25 minutes at Knott's Berry Farm and bantering about all the "personalities" on the California beaches made for a real good time.  I know they laughed a lot.... the worlds best medicine and they just enjoyed each other's company.  Just an honest to goodness girl's trip..

I am happy they were able to take that opportunity and balance the countless wishes of Hannah Marie's presence.  Despite the sadness, they were able to have a lot of fun.  That is so important.

Daddy endured being home alone for a while, but had plenty of things to work on.  Ash came and went to work and play and only saw each other in passing.  I never used to mind having a few days to myself, but I find it much tougher now as you can well imagine.

Emma bears down on 7th grade and a brand new school.  She starts on Monday and is disappointed that summer vacation is down to it's last days.  Although she's nervous, I'm sure she'll do just great and get acclimated very quickly.

Heidi will be facing a big task of taking her next steps.  The house will be very empty and she is eager to start working or go back to school.  Just not sure which at this point.  She is having a tough go of it right now, but we'll get through ok.

As we continue to move forward, more and more things surface.  This type of devastation has a different effect on every single individual.  We all react differently to each other's progress and do so on separate time tables.  We are working together closely to keep our entire families chemistry as healthy as ever.  That is our number one priority. 

Overall, I see progress.  Tiny steps.... but progress none the less.

Write when you get a chance..  We love reading your thoughts.

Love,
The Turowski's

This entry was particularly difficult for me to write.  I can't help by cry thru every sentence.  These writings for me are literally tears on a page... exhausting, but important.  so, here goes..



I have looked at little Hannah's softball spikes many times since she passed away.  They are in the garage with a lot of other sports stuff that her and Emma use.  The spikes are black with pink trim.  They are very dirty from the times she played in them.

Like Emma, Hannah liked softball a lot.  She very much enjoyed her first and only introduction to the sport, but only got to play in a few games.  Again, like Emma, Hannah could really hit.  She had excellent power and the only thing keeping her from being an eventual All Star was experience and practice.  Two things that she didn't have nearly enough of.

I was out and about today and stopped by Legend Springs to shoot some baskets by myself.  As I shot around, I thought about our unplanned shortened history with the school.  It's not the first time I've thought of it, but it makes me very sad.  Emma will be moving onto Hillcrest in a couple of weeks and Hannah will never get to go thru 5th and 6th grade.  So, as a family, we leave Legend Springs so very sadly and are feel very fortunate for the many friends we leave behind.  I feel a close attachment to everyone who has ever taught or known my girls.  We owe a lot to you.  You are very special people.  I say that because it's not just the teacher / student relationship that matters the most.  It's the unwavering caring that you all display.  We are lucky to have had each of you and we think you were lucky to have our girls as well.  I think we all learned something in our time there.

So, here I am shooting baskets... the grounds look perfect and ready for another year of schooling...  except not with the Turowski's anymore.  Losing a loved one makes one amazed of how life just continues on despite death.  The school starts another chapter and the only thing left in our wake is the bench and a name plate dedicated to our daughter.

Dribble, dribble, shoot.... stand... look around.. 

I remember vividly all the kids and faculty lined up along the fence as I drive down the street with Hannah in her new white hat after her first round of treatment.  I remember Emma and her girlfriends holding a big sign in Hannah's honor.  I remember seeing Ms Crane, Mr Cerjak and Mr Rayhorn cheering us on...  I also remember every single fence post decorated with a light blue ribbon after Hannah died..  lastly, it hit me...  The spikes... the dirty spikes..  They are covered with the dirt from the ball field at Legend Springs.. 

The Friday before Easter of 04, I took Emma and Hannah to the field in late afternoon.  We hit and fielded and practiced..  i remember Hannah having a very hard time running.  I encouraged her to hustle and she did so very reluctantly.  I couldn't understand why she wasn't running hard or swinging the bat with the same aggressiveness...  It's clear now that her body was already full of cancer..  I feel so bad that i made her run for balls now..  it makes me cry.. 

So it's the dirt from Legend Springs that coats her spikes..  I guess it is appropriate for that to be the last place she played..

Tired and thirsty, I sat with Hannah that day..  We were behind the backstop as Emma continued practice with another dad and his daughter..

Hannah said, "Dad, can I pitch to you?"..  I said, "of course"..  She began throwing underhand to me at a pretty good clip..  I was impressed.  Pitching is not easy to do without coaching.   Although never knowing how to pitch underhand, I gave her some advice and she kept throwing strikes..  She said, "Dad, you think I can pitch next year?"  I said, "sure hon.. you just need to keep practicing"..

Little did I know that day, practice was now over.. 



Thank you Legend Springs.  We really love you guys.. 

We're in North Carolina with one of my best friends families...  Frisco is where we're staying and it's on Cape Hatteras Island.  We used to go yearly when we lived in Jersey.  The last time we were here Emma was 1 and Hannah was in the oven.  Heidi was very pregnant (6 months or so) and we were here with Ash, em, my mom and heidi's mom.  I remember it being somewhat stressful, which is the exact opposite of our stay so far this stay.  It was stressful because little Em didn't really know what the whole vacation thing was all about.  The first day or two was ok for her and then she started to miss our house and all of her toys and activities.  Even the trusty Elmo videos were not sufficient to sooth her angst..  I also remember the 12 hour ride home as being a cry fest for our little monkey.  But hell, we made it and remember how great of a family vacation place this really is. 

We're right on the beach with a five bedroom house that has three floors and every you can imagine.  TV's, DVD players, pool table, hot tub, huge kitchen, etc..  it's just what the Dr ordered.

My friends have two girls and one boy.  Ages 11, 16 and 17.  All really nice.  I grew up with Brian and played a lot of basketball with him.  We played together through High School and have replayed many stories of our childhood.  They must be pretty good stories because I sense no one is bored listened to them.  I feel grateful to be tight with the Brady's.  They are great parents (which is more important to me than anything), have great kids and we enjoy spending time with them. 

I guess I'm saying that we are actually having fun.  I'm sure this is somewhat fleeting, but it's a positive sign that we can still enjoy some things in life. 

Hannah is leading and following us every minute of our trip.  We talk a lot of how she would love to do what we're doing and be part of it.  We talk about the times Hannah was at the ocean.  She absolutely loved it.  She was such a water baby and I remember the times in the surf with her in Mexico, Hawaii, and California.  This would so much be right up her alley.  She is a main topic of conversation and we all cry together when it gets to that point.

We're spending a lot of time on the beach and in the water.  The first day we got here there was a tropical storm warning, but it just barely brushed us.  However, it did kick up some very aggressive waves (we stayed real close to the shore that day).  Since then, Emma is becoming proficient in the art of "boogie" boarding.  I have basically held onto her as the waves approach, then push her at the precise time so she catches the wave.  I however, get pummeled by the wave once I launch her towards the beach.  It's the price I pay to train the next miss boogie board champion!

So we're moving along.  Along, but not there yet and probably never "there"...  The heaviness continues..  week by week, day by day, minute by minute..  The shock, despair and disbelief are still so very prominent.

I spend a lot of time thinking and analyzing.  I do see progress, but not in the sense that our sadness is subsiding at all.  The progress is coming in the sense that our sadness seems to be changing it's form.  It's still every bit as strong, but perhaps more manageable so very slightly.

Although I haven't written lately, I am ALWAYS taking inventory of what's going on and how we're feeling.  I think deeply about our perspective on life and will probably always search for answers.  I know that answers will never be verified, but at least form a strong belief, which Heidi and I are getting closer and closer too.

We continue to get nice comments from friends and family and we very much appreciate them.  When we get back, we'll be getting in touch with some of you guys soon. 

We love you all for your wonderful support.

The Turowski's
 

I got back from a three day to Jersey last week.  I brought a buddy of mine from here and spent time with many great friends I went to college with..  Thank you to Pete Collins and his wife Jill.   You guys were fantastic hosts.  It was great seeing everyone down the shore.  The barbecue was especially nice.  Again, thank you all!



Texas Roadhouse is having it's last fund raising night for 2008 this Tuesday, July 15th for the Leukemia / Lymphoma Society. Everyone who presents this flier Tx RH Flyer will have 10% of your total bill donated to the Society. Please join us if you would like to have a nice dinner and have proceeds go to this cause. I hope to see you there.



Grief "camp" was held this past weekend in Carefree.  Heidi and Emma attended and we believe it was a worthwhile event.  Emma did numerous exercises that helped her communicate and express her feelings about Hannah's death.  Heidi came away with some type of barometer in terms of our overall progress as a family.  She feels confident that we are moving along significantly ahead of the curve.  I held down the fort at home and tried to keep busy.  I took a day trip to Payson with my good friend Don.  It was a day of golf and "therapy" for me as well.  Thx Donnie!



Writing on the blog has become harder and even talking about Hannah and our family's situation is much more difficult.  As I reflect on my previous entries, it's obvious that even reading them must be difficult.  I don't like being negative, but being honest is more important.  It seems as such an insurmountable task that we face.  I just have nothing right now.  I am having trouble getting out of my own way.  Just getting up in the morning is a huge success.  My disbelief continues every day.  A nightmare I will never awaken from...




Thx for reading.  I wish what I write was more upbeat and positive..  Feel free to write in if you'd like.

Love,
The Turowski's

Yearly routines that used to be pure joy are now empty and hollow..  Appreciation for what

used to be our very essence of existence are destroyed.  I can't see how we're supposed to

make headway.  I can't see how we're ever supposed to feel good again.. about anything..

The sun is out, the pool is crystal clear, the water is nice and warm and all I am consumed

with is how Hannah used to go under water with me and try and talk to each other.  We'd

come up after screaming as loud as we could not really understanding each other.  We giggled

time and time again...  She used to get very close to me and want to "do my hair" as we sit on the

steps of the pool..  She created some silly looking "Daddy Hairdo's".. 

The pool is filled to the top, but completely empty to me..

We are faced with these situations over and over.. day after day..  we enjoyed such a close

life with her that memories are in every nook and cranny of our very being..

The sun is shining brightly, but I live in significant darkness..

I love you Hannah Bear...  I hope you're logged on today..

Hello Everyone.  We'd like you guys to join us for dinner tomorrow night (Tuesday, June 24) at the Texas Roadhouse in Peoria.  10% of all food and beverage purchased will be donated to the Leukemia / Lymphoma Society IF YOU BRING A Flyer (Click here - 10% Flyer ).  Certainly a foundation that's very near and dear to us.

Heidi and I will be there with Emma and Ash (Hannah will be there in spirit and probably eating the bread).   So make it a point to attend and say hello if you see us.  I will be the one with a big Filet Mignon on my plate!



  

To all the Daddy's out there. 

Take a minute today to realize the immense importance of being a dad and providing your children with everything they need to succeed in life....  most of all, your love.

Make a point to hold them today and tell them how wonderful they are and how much they mean to you.

There is nothing in this world that's better than being a daddy.  I am more proud of being a father than anything in life.

Have a great day gentlemen.

Robert Michael

At this risk of writing the same thoughts and updates, I share with you an email I wrote just this morning to one of my best friends..

 

“We’re emotionally and physically fatigued..  We are struggling to find any purpose or perspective..  We simply miss Hannah terribly and anything less than having her back is just not enough..  We feel cheated, horrified, angry and sad..  we feel fragile and depressed and constantly anxious.  It just exhausts us.  We frantically look for things to do and places to go for relief and wherever we are, we can’t escape the thoughts of our little baby girl and how she fought this disease and thought she’d be ok.  Life has lost a lot of it’s meaning and now it’s going through the motions, never really being happy.  We are trying to provide and preserve a happy life for Emma Jeane and Ashley Nicole, but genuine happiness is difficult…  There is not much passion or motivation anymore..  We are irreparably wounded and people keep wondering when we’re going to “snap out of it” and be the same people we were.  That simply will never happen.  Who I was, died on December 10, 2007.  You will never see him again..  “

 

“Lastly, it’s a revelation to us every day that Hannah’s not here.  It’s a shock and surprise every single morning.  We can’t believe this has actually happened and how we got here..  but here we are.”

 

 

I dont' think it was clear that the previous entry was written by "Mama" Turowski.  I will have a new entry soon.

Love,
The Turowski's

Distraction is a blessing for a 12 year old girl who's sister has died. But grief and darkness is there lurking waiting to make its entrance. Which is exactly what it did at 2:30 this morning.

I was awakened by Emma's soft sweet voice. She had woken at 2:30 am and could not get Hannah off her mind. She use the old reliable TV trick hoping for distraction that eventually leads to sleep but grief will only be silenced for so long. So here she is at 3:30 am crawling into my arms. Unable to sleep. Unable to stop her mind from replaying all the sleepovers at PCH spent with Hannah. Bittersweet! The fun we had. Late nights, where time was of no concern. No where to be the next day. No early morning rising. Movies until 2am, late night kitchen runs, raiding the vending machines, Three bodies squeezing onto one very small bed. Laughing, Teasing, Talking, Snuggling.

The loss she has suffered cannot be expressed with words. We hold one another, we try to sort out this mess we are in. We are quiet, not to wake Daddy. Our Daddy, who day after day wakes carrying the same heavy grief. Who must go off to work. Busy his mind with things that are no longer important nor have any meaning in this thing we call life. I try to explain to Emma what part grief has in our new life. A very difficult thing seeing as I myself am trying to see where exactly it will fit in. There is one thing that I do know and that is that we will never get through this. Grief is not something you get over. Grief now is a piece of this puzzle we call life and even when we are laughing, joking, dancing,working, engaging in every day life it is lurking.

I continue each day trying to move forward. Trying to find the path that will take my family and I from here to living again.

We've spent a lot of time this last week visiting the great people at Texas Roadhouse who will be raising money for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society.  I will give you guys more details and would love to see as much participation as possible.  Heidi and I will continue to participate towards this wonderful charity and our family really appreciates the efforts of all the staff that we have met.  They seem to really want to help and talk it up in Hannah's honor.  THANK YOU TRH STAFF!!
 
As much as we want to participate for these charities (PCH too), it is much more difficult for me to continue to tell Hannah's story.  It hasn't even been six months since she passed away (I hate writing that..  still seems so unbelievable) that perhaps it's too early for us...  Either way, we are pressing forward and seem to be dwelling more and more... at least I am..

We have a long way to go and we understand that.  So we do what we do.  There's nothing more in us at this point.

________________________________

Ashley is doing very well at her Job at Phoenix Children's.  It's difficult and stressful as there is an infinite amount to learn, but she gains confidence as she moves along.  We continue to be impressed by her strength and maturity.  She's such a great daughter.

_________________________________

Emma Jeane got her cast off this past Friday.  The arm is a little fragile right now, but she's doing great.  No sports for her for another 3 weeks (we have a real mean Dr.. heh heh) , but at least she is not dragging a big cast around.  Em is turning into a such a beautiful youg lady (I want her to stay little though!)


_________________________________


We move along people.  Stay tuned for more info on the Texas Roadhouse and how you can help contribute. 

We love you all.  Thank you so much for your entries.  They are always nice to read.  Even if they are just one liners!!

The Turowski's

PS - Bear (our most recent puppy) is a terror..  from the "Terrier" part of her make up..

I've written and spoken about the special times I enjoyed with Hannah and Emma Jeane.  These picture are so typical of our regular hot tub sessions.  Heidi came upon these pictures about a week back.  I have been unable to view them until today.  I share them with you now.  Enjoy and remember our baby girl.

Hannah Bear Posing in the hot tub




That's Daddy's Finger!!!




A little Photo magic with "Daddy's" arms



Ditto with the "Emmster"




Daddy with his baby girl.  Look how precious the back of her little neck is...



Notice Emma's foot!!




Miss Personality!!



My babies...




Our Angel





Almost an impossible entry to make for me..  Words are not nearly adequate to describe my grief right now...

I LOVE YOU HANNAH BEAR..  I'll see you when I get there.

BIG DADDY 

I started this last Friday. The words came quickly. As quickly as they came they just stopped. I have sat down to my computer each day since then trying to finish. But have come to the conclusion that I cannot come up with a closing because there isn't one. What is, just is. Our family continues our journey. In search of acceptance.....

How do we begin to describe the pain that has come with Hannah's death? The pain is so deep rooted within our souls. All the dreams that we had for Hannah disappeared with her death and a beautiful young life with such energy and purpose just vanished. Our heartache never leaves even when we appear to be engaged in everyday activities. The pain and sadness have become part of our daily routine. Words that we never dreamed would be used in connection with our Hannah, "Dead", "Gone", and "Deceased" now are expressed by everyone who knows about our loss. I am sure this must be how every parent who has lost a child feels. Lost in this thick fog of grief.

We're just sad.  Perhaps extra sad...  Don't know for sure why..  I do know that the thought of feeling better gradually did not begin on the date of Hannah's death..  we feel that we haven't hit our lowest point of saddness and perhaps we never will.  We're definitely in it for the long haul and each day we miss her even more if that's possible..

we plod along each day going thru the motions without any real passion for work or hobbies.  We continue looking for things that were always pleasurable, but find our selves very dissapointed when we actually get there.

They are things that we really enjoyed as an entire family.  The sun sets, the pool, the nice weather, nice restaurants, etc..  it's all not enjoyable anymore.  nothing is..

______________________________

The thoughts of Hannah at her sickest are the hardest for me and will always haunt me.  She was always so brave and optimistic.  Never complained and loved us so much.  I just can't make any sense of anything anymore and frankly don't want to.  I know there is nothing that really makes sense.

I do feel that she's out there and that I will see her when my day comes.  That seems to be my only comfort and I know that's how Heidi feels as well.

We are here for our girls and each other and will continue to try and find comfort in something.. somewhere..

______________________________

I passed by the 51 the other day.  I cannot ride on it..  For 8 months, I used that highway, sometimes twice a day to see my baby.  I couldn't wait to get there and see her little smile and play games with her...  

Mother's day was so difficult for me.  I can only imagine how tough it was on Heidi.  We all stayed together and tried to enjoy some of the day.. we went to dinner, but the constant on our minds was Hannah Marie..  

Yes.. right now.. We're just sad.    

Heidi has posted her first ever comment.  I've copied and pasted it here.  I have no words to add as she so eliquently expressed our feelings...


"My sweet Hannah,
I sign on regularly to read your Daddy's writings. The emotion that they bring is almost too much to bare. With Mother's Day quickly approaching the pain deep in my soul swells making each day almost unbearable. The idea that you and I will never physically share another Mother's day is something no Mother should have to ever entertain. I continue to hold on to the edge of this pit that I am in with all that I have left and that is hope. Hope that someday we will be together again. Your Daddy and I miss you terribly.

I Love you,
Mama"


We love you all..
The Turowski's

 

Hello all..  Despite the torrid home run pace, Miss Emma will have to sit out the rest of the season with a broken left wrist.  She broke it sliding into second during practice and at first it was thought to be what's called a "buckle", which is minor.. well when she went to our Orthopedic Surgeon, it was obvious that she broke both bones in her wrist..  She is saddled with a cast all the way up to under her arm.  It is a pretty blue though... and it will come off in five weeks..  she will be able to swim and play ball again soon... she did get to go on her class trip this past weekend and was able to participate in most of the activities...  she still smiles and dances around regularly...so not all is lost..

We continue to hang in there the best we can.  The Anniversary "stuff" is very difficult.  Heidi actually went back a year in the blog archives to see what our perspective was then.  Probably not a great idea.  We were so very optimistic then. 

Mother's day is coming up Sunday and Big Daddy's birthday in June along with an Alaska trip for Heidi and Emma..  All of that will still bring up precious, but sad memories.

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I got to read Emma's auto-biography yesterday.  It's a project that her and her class had been working on all year.  Her grade was 100%...  It was extremely impressive.  I kept asking if she had help with the wording of it, but apparently, it was all her..  Much of the book had to do with her relationship with Hannah and there were many  pictures of them when they were tiny.  I don't know how you could read this without becoming emotional.  Even if you didn't know us.  It is a really a special story.  Well done sweetie!!  I'm so proud of you!!

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Heidi and I were invited to speak at Texas Roadhouses plight to raise money for the Leukemia Lymphoma society.  I was unable to attend, so Heidi stepped in and did an outstanding job telling Hannah's story.  I plan on doing all I can with future meetings and making a difference as well.  Once we get to the point of getting things going, I will let you all know what you can do if you're interested.  We can really use your help.  No one deserves to be in our families position.  Dollars are the only way to beat this.

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Happy mother's day everyone!!  Kiss you babies.  Think of our little Hannah and how she loved life.  Make a difference to others.  Life here is short.

Since my last entry, and in the very next Softball game, Emma hit another homerun.  This was was a real rocket and I think it's still going!!  Last night, however, our team didnt' do so well.  We got crushed, but you're going to have games like that.. Can't win em all right??  On the way home, I asked Emma how she thought the game went..  She said, "it was fun"..  Moral of the story is that she's really loves softball, no matter how she or the team plays.  I love to see her enjoy something so much.

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Heidi went for a walk last night and was gone for about an hour.  Emma came in to my room as I was watching hoops and climbed into bed with me.  We just cried..  Nothing said... just cried.   She's been very very sad lately.  she misses her baby sister so much.  the reality of death is horrible.  I remember being introduced to it when my brother died.  its so final.  no matter how long you think about what happened and why.  I feel awful that Emma has to endure this at such a young age.  especially since her and Hannah did everything together.  they were only 19 months apart and shared everything.  They rarely fought too.  We'd go on vaca for a week and they would not argue at all..  Heidi and I are so lucky to have had all three of our girls..  they are all amazing.


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Heidi and I continue to stuggle.  we don't expect to feel better anytime soon.  we simply miss our baby.  nothing less than having her back will not help.  we know where we are.  it's so completely awful.  

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We have some fantastic friends.  We really do.  Heidi's friends have been so wonderful, I cannot even describe it.  I know she feels very fortunate and so do I.   Thank you ladies!!  you know who you are.

More later everyone.

We love you guys.
The Turowski's

 

 

Emma is loving softball...  This is even before she stepped to the plate last night with two runners on and crushed the first pitch between the left and center fielders..  YUP, Emma's first (of many) homerun.  I know that there are other homeruns hit in this league, but this is the first I've witnessed...  A legit 3 run homer and Daddy and Mama could not be prouder..  I'm not sure Emma's feet have hit the ground yet..  Hannah was the "Angel in the outfield" cheering her big sis on!! 

We didnt' win the game, but the girl on the Stars are really starting to hit and play better ball...  Go STARS!!

That's all I want to include today.  CONGRATS EMMA JEANE!! 

My mom came over last evening for a glass of wine and a game of scrabble with me, Heidi and Emmster..  We had fun and right before we went inside, I noticed a broken bottle next to the hot tub.  Heidi told me to pick up the big pieces and she'll use a vacuum to get the little pieces up..  I showed her where the glass was and told her to make sure she remembers because "If Emma or Hannah step on it.........."  We looked into each others eyes and just fell apart.. 

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Emma cried herself to sleep last night..  This morning, Heidi woke her for school..  Emma looked at Heidi, her forehead started to crinkle and on the brink of crying..  She said, “Momma, my heart is broken..”  many tears ensued..  off to school an hour later..  Heidi and I can’t help Emma feel better…  we’re as helpless as we’ve been for the last year now… it's not fair..

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I spoke to Hannah last night in bed for quite a while.  I spoke out loud and did our nightly "I have the best Parents in the whole world", "I have the best girls in the whole world" routine that Hannah and I used to do nightly..  From there, I talked to her about how much I missed her and how much I thought of her.  I know she knows how I feel, but wanted to verbally articulate that to her..  I put my hand out over where her back used to be for her nightly back rub and imagined how it used to feel.  I cried for quite a while..

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Heidi said something the other day that I can't agree with more.  She said, "I wouldn't change my life for anyone's".  Wow, what a great way to put things in perspective.. 

We simply love who we "were" before Hannah got sick and who we are now...  We would not switch this pain for anything as it would mean never having Hannah, Emma or Ashley.. or each other..  So it is our "cross" to bear and we will bear it.  That's just who we are.

I am so proud of Heidi as a wife, a "momma" (Hannah always called Heidi Momma) and best friend.  We've always shared our thoughts of our children and family as our number one priority in life.  Now, we grieve together knowing that we are the only ones who "know" what each other is going thru.  She's a special lady and I am so lucky to have her.  Thank you Heidi..  I love you..

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Thank you for your comments.  I realize that some of what I write moves you to tears, but much of what you write does the same to us.  That's not a bad thing.  It means that we are so touched about your love and support for baby Hannah and our family and that you care about us, and for that, we thank you.

I have some pictures I would like to share with you.  The pictures are on Heidi's computer and I rarely write to the blog from there, but will make it a point to do so soon.

Keep tuning in.  WE feel you.

Love to all,
The Turowski's

Hello. 

I don't have too much to say today.  It's been a while since I've been able to even log on.  Hannah was diagnosed a year ago this past Saturday (04/12).  We miss her so dearly..  which is a complete understatement... 

It's been dark for us recently.  The cold world continues to move on with or without her/us.  We are entering another difficult phase of many.  The continuous realization of never seeing her again devastates us. 

Many tears, despair and discouragement reign...

Love your babies and families..  they're whats most important.  Don't lose sight of that.  They are irreplaceable.... talk to them... hug them.. kiss them...let them know how you feel... we envy you

Love you all,
The Turowski's 

PS - There have been some beautiful dedications in Hannah's name that I will write about when I'm feeling better..

Emma loves softball.  She got a little taste last year when she played in the North Valley Softball League with Hannah.  As soon as Hannah was diagnosed (04/12/08 another milestone coming up soon) and our family spent endless days and nights at the Hospital, Emma understandably and expectedly stopped participating.  She also stopped skating, chello and all extra curricular activities.  She was involuntarily thrust into our terrible family crisis at the tender age of 11.

This spring, her friend Allie and Emma decided to play in a different league.  We knew going back to NVSL would be difficult and if moving to another league for years would get her back to softball, we were all for it.  So they signed up and got on the same team and we attended a couple of practices.  We knew right off the bat (no pun intended) that this league was inferior to NVSL. 

I contacted Rick Phillips at NVSL to see if Emma and Allie could come back to the NVSL family.  Rick and some other prominent league representatives were able to put them on a team together.

Last night was our first night back at the same fields that Emma and Hannah participated together.  So fresh in mind were the memories of seeing Emma and Hannah run the bases nervously as they began to figure out this game of softball.  It was nerve wracking as a parent, but oh so sweet..... very very sweet.

So last night was tough.  It was tough from the onset as Heidi and I began to weep as soon as Emma joined her team to participate in warmups.  Memories flooded our minds as we watched the team they were on last year warm up on the adjacent field.  Same colors, some of the same players, but no Hannah.

Emma and Allie did not have uniforms yet, but coach Jeff said they were welcome to participate or just watch.  It was their call.

The team (The stars) was short a couple players and could really have used some help.  As warmups continued, I looked out into deep left field and saw Emma and Momma..  I walked out and saw exactly what I expected.  Emma and Heidi in tears enduring yet another extremely difficult milestone.  I held them both as I looked accross both fields. 

The smell of freshly cut grass and dust on a 75 degree evening reminded me of many years of playing ball.  Small girls were throwing, catching, hitting and skipping.  There were probably 50 girls from 4 teams enjoying the game itself, socializing with their teammates and spending valuable family time as many parents watched on.

50 little girls... sweet little girls.. as we silently hugged and watched.. It was probably 2 minutes but felt like much longer.. I didnt' have to ask what they were thinking..  I knew it..  I felt it... grief and very painful healing...

After a few minutes we gathered ourselves and walked back to the bleachers.  Emma decided to watch instead of play.  That was fine with us.  She would play next game with her uniform and we were getting closer to clear this hurdle.

After one inning of watching and talking to mom and dad, she made her move.  I walked her around the fence and soon she was running and throwing and skipping like the rest of them.  She make a real nice play in left field to save a couple runs AND they won (which is not improtant to me)..

Tough night..  milestone passed.. She's swimming and playing ball now..  chello soon??

Thank you to Rick Phillips, Jeff, Mike and Rachel (coaches of the stars) and everyone who made it possible for us to participate in such a great league.  NVSL has been so supportive through our entire ordeal and continues to help us.  We are truely grateful to the whole NVSL family.

On Saturday, there is a field deciation to Hannah.  Opening Day Festivities start at 11 if you'd like to attend. 

Constitution Elementary School
18440 N 15th Ave Phoenix

Heidi, Emma, my mom and Hannah and Emma's new puppy "Bear" will be in attendance.  I will be in charity event for "Hospice of the Valley" and won't be able to attend.  I am very dissapointed.  I truly hope I get to see some film of the ceremony.

Thank you again NVSL!

Love you all.

The Turowski's

 

 

Is it really possible that she is MORE on my mind than ever???  Well, I'll tell you that the answer to that is "positively"..  I think of her and look at her picture all day every day and feel so grief stricken that it's difficult to function. 

It's been almost four months that we lost her presence and almost a year since her being healthy.  I mourn her existence and instead of the "idea" that the hurt wanes as time goes by, I have recently felt it intensify. 

When Hannah was alive, my love for her grew each and every day... that continue today.  I love her more and more each day and have been especially weepy lately.  I feel my healing progress go in the opposite direction lately. 

We used to have this exchange at least once a day..

"I love you Hannah"
"I love you too (TWO) Daddy"
"I love you three baby girl"
"I love you infinity more than anything you say Daddy"

I would act defeated as if she had "outsmarted" me again..  She would smile at me proudly and snuggle right in with me..  There was no better place in the world.  It no longer exists... She can't make that exchange with me anymore, but I think about it regularly... every damn day regularly..
 
Had a dream on Sunday night..  I dreamt that I was watching as Emma and several of her friends were in our car that went over an embankment.  I rushed over and looked down to see Emma and her friend looking up at me in ice cold water...  I jumped in to find that the water was not cold at all and Emma was not panicky or hurt..  I pulled her out and then her friend, and then Hannah..  I was so elated to see Hannah.  I toweled off her long wet blonder hair.. she looked at me with a huge smile and we embraced..  It was so sweet.. so sweet... then my alarm went off and I was snapped back into this awful cruel reality.. needless to say, I've had a very tough week so far.

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On a couple good notes, Emma is starting softball again and loves it.  She will be playing in the same league as her and Hannah played in last year.  The league is naming their new field after our baby.  It will be called "Hannah's Field"... what a great organization.  The ceremony will be at 11:00 AM at constitution field.  I will give more details by the end of the week.

Emma also took a placement test for Algebra recently.  She will be starting the 7th grade in the fall and has tested out of 7th and 8th grade math.  She is being placed in 9th grade math and will bused to the high school each day.  I am so proud of her and love that she is so bright, but I hate to think of her in "HIGH SCHOOL"... I'm not ready for that.  I want her to stay little...  I know she will continue to be the polite little bright pumpkin she's always been.. 

I got a visit this past weekend from two very good friends of mine from College.  It's been a long time since we've seen each other.  We enjoyed a nice round of Golf on Saturday.  The weather and course were just perfect.  We then told stories in the hot tub for a long time and moved on to some charades as we indulged in some steak and shrimp.. Not too shabby...  Sunday was an hour hike and the Salty Senorita for brunch.  They each flew out late Sunday to end a very nice weekend.  Heidi really enjoyed their visit as well and she did an awesome job (as usual) of taking care of us...  plenty of food and drinks as she juggled waiting on us, visiting with my buddies and giving us some space..  She really is unreal..  I am very lucky..

Thank you Mike and Pete for visiting.  It means a lot to me (us).

Love you all.  Thanks for reading and writing.

The Turowski's

 

Hello everyone.  We rolled back into town from Rocky Point MX on Saturday.  We were there a whole week and were treated to a beautiful condo right on the water at a very sweet resort.  I'd like to thank the McDaniel's for so graciously letting us use there fantastic vacation home.  VERY VERY NICE..

So, down in MX we were able to meet up and spend time with Tina and Kevin, Marni and Todd, Karen, Larry and Kelly.  We so enjoyed all the fun and entertainment with some really great people.  Emma played with a lot of the kids that came down with their parents.  She also brought her friend Ally and got over the "pool" hurdle.  She was able to swim again and enjoy it.

The week didn't progress without our daily cries and tribulations.  I watched Emma and Ally play in the pool and remember so vividly that Hannah was always in there with them.  Hannah adored the water and loved to play any pool game you can imagine.. from throwing a nerf football, to shooting hoops to looking for coins on the bottom of the pool.  It crushes me that this time last year I expected I'd get to enjoy watching her grow up and marveling at her every move.  I fully expected that I would be the first to move on from our lives here and would never have to endure missing anyone.  It's a bad reality.

I still miss her next to me in bed when she slept with "Daddy".  Heidi has been sleeping with Emma lately, so my bed is pretty empty.  Just horrible...  I miss her every second.  I have so many pictures of her on my walls here at work and admire her little "fun" expressions in each one.  I find myself resorting back to her last days with us at our house and it shakes my very existence.  

Our family continues with counseling and continues struggling for relief, sense of it all and answers..  full well knowing these are all unattainable at this point.

We are sticking very close together and loving each other all the time.  Our bonds have done nothing but gotten stronger with each day.  We have shared the greatest times on earth together and are sharing in the burden of this tremendous grief.   I am so proud of us.  I really am.

So, I'll share this with you.  Emma is back playing softball and really loves it.  We went from practice to the sporting goods store the other day to get her some equipment.  I know it perhaps sounds like an unremarkable trip, but I so enjoyed her get happy about her new spikes, running shoes and a "Bat Bag"..  I gush over every move she makes and the continuous smiles she flashes.  This is why we "go on".  My (our) responsibilities continue and providing support and love for Emma and Ashley are what "parents" do.  We can't let Cancer take anything more than it already has....

I hate cancer.  I hate that it exists and that many people suffer and die from it.  I hate it more that it happened to Hannah...  Hate is a strong word..  But is a correct word...  It's unfair and devastating.

So I'll end with my rambling today with a report that our family is making a concerted effort to stay busy this year and go places when we have an opportunity.  We're going to Alaska, Cape Hatteras NC and wherever else we can visit.  We've thrown caution to the wind with "spending" and are certainly living for the moment right now.  We bought a new car for Heidi (that is out of our price range, but it's only money right??), but she absolutely loves it.  So what if we can't buy groceries anymore!!  kidding of course..

More later everyone.

We continue to get more and more comments from people that we have yet to meet.  I love that Hannah's "word" is growing.

We love you all.  Thank you for being great to us.

The Turowski's



 

We are starting to come up on Anniversaries that are very difficult.  A year ago, we were enjoying the last couple of weeks of Hannah's good health never imagining what was to come.

Emma had her first softball practice yesterday.  She really enjoys playing, but has been so reluctant to pick up a glove as her and Hannah played together often.  Emma actually changed leagues with her good friend Allie partly due to having extreme difficulty going back to the fields we played on last year.

I struggle with the softball thing too.  I remember practicing with Emma and Hannah at their grammar school just about a year ago and I know Hannah was starting to get sick.  The ball went past her and she didn't run hard after it.  Not knowing that cancer had already set in, I hollered for her to "hustle"..  Hustle she did and it's so flippin sad to remember her "gutting" it up while I'm thinking she needed to be doing more exercise...  At the end of our impromptu practice, Hannah asked if she could "pitch next year"..  I said, "of course" and we went behind the backstop and practiced some pitching..  How awful to know that there would be, no "next year" for our baby..  I'm so crushed.. 

Another anniversary is our spring break last year that we went on a cruise.  Again, the same things apply as she played and enjoyed what we all take for granted.. a beautiful day, a nice warm pool, fun at the beach and an ice cream cone.  The ship had an ice cream machine that you could make as many ice cream cones as you could.  Hannah and Emma sure got their share..

Well, spring break is this week.  It'll be tough, but we do have some awesome friends who we will be sharing it with us..    That will certainly help.

One thing that has come about and is very very touching to us is that the league Hannah and Emma played in last year is naming their new field after Hannah.  It's going to be called "Hannah's Field".  NVSL has been such a fantastic league and hopefully Emma will be able to participate there next year..  They have raised money, visited Hannah when she was sick, "adopted" her as one of their own and makes us feel good that we're considered part of their community.  My complete praise, gratefulness and thanks go out to every coach, player, parent and all the people that make that league a reality. 

The ceremony is on April 5 at 11:30 AM.  Heidi and my mom will bring "Pookie Bear" (our puppy that we promised to Hannah when her treatment was complete).  I will be participating in a charity golf event for "Hospice of the Valley", but hope the ceremony is taped.

I'm missing Hannah a lot today..  It's still very difficult to believe.  One year ago, she's in the hot tub with me banging on the outside wall so mom will come out with some coffee..  And today I sit alone in the hot tub wishing I was one year younger..

That's it for today.  I hope you all are well.  Think of our Hannah a lot...  We know you do

Love you all.
The Turowski's

PS - I plan on continue writing for an indefinite period of time.  We have a lot of healing ahead of us and will need your help.  There have been times where my thoughts and feelings are such that this forum is inappropriate.  When I do have things that I can share, I certainly will.  Again, thank you for reading..  It helps us.